50 shades of becoming a millionaire!

I know I am the nth person on this earth to be writing a review of 'Fifty Shades of Grey', but wait!I am not writing about how good or bad the book was!I want to tell you that this book is hilarious.I want to recommend it for all those who are looking for a good laugh or looking for some comic reading.I also bring to the notice of everyone who aspires to be a writer but doesn't go forward because of not having good language or intellect, that you can still be a successful writer without having these qualities!

Book reviews are not my thing. They are best left to my good friend Adi (wordsutteredinhaste.blogspot.in). But I decided to write this review for people who might have missed out on a big laugh. Are you puzzled about why I am calling this book hilarious when so many people have either called it trash or a great read?

Reasons why I find this book hilarious are ( BTW, I didn't read the entire book . After about 50 or 60 pages,I couldn't. I scanned through some parts of the latter part of the book):

1) It's hilarious that a 21 year old supposedly good-looking girl in America is still a virgin!

2) It's hilarious that a 21 year old college-going, working girl just goes off to interview a business tycoon without any research. Rather, it's hilarious thather friend who managed to get the appointment should send her amateur friend to conduct the interview.I mean why on earth would she risk sppoiling the chances of a good interview? Didn't she have any other able journalist friend who could pitch in for her?Couldn't she re-schedule the interview?Couldn't she take a telephonic/skype/text interview?

3) It's hilarious that a 21 year old working girl would go and stumble on the carpet and fall face flat on the floor! have you ever heard of such a thing?

4) It's hilarious that a young man who has achieved so much before the age of thirty can take time out of managing his empire, to streamline most of his time towards pursuing a girl in such a strategic manner.

5) It's hilarious that he actually employs the services of a lawyer to write a contract about what stuff should be done between him and his woman, which is written down to the creepiest and most irritating detail.

6) It's hilarious that after reading through 60 to 70 pages boring pages of repetitive writing, you discover that he still wants her to sign a contract, when the chemistry between them seems to be volatile (understatement) without any contract and they have already acted out most of whatever acts were mentioned in the contract.The contract semed to be null and void already.Neither of the protagonists seemed to require any contract as both seemed equally involved. yawn!

7) It's hilarious that a 21 year old college student who also had a job did not have a computer! Can you beat that? i don't think anyone uses a friend's computer anymore! James was so busy looking after her family and children that she forgot to check what happened in life outside and missed out on important details. 

8)It's hilarious that his driver buys her clothes which are perfect fits!

9) It's hilarious that Christian behaves like a possessive lover right from the beginning even though he is not a 'hearts and flowers' man.Yawn! yawn!

10) It's hilarious that Anastasia continues going out with this guy even after he tells her about the ridiculous contract!

Now let me tell you how to become a millionaire without any talent of writing!:

1) You MUST have poor language

2) you MUST make a mesh of a Mills and Boon ( volatile chemistry, girl being caught in arms as she is about to fall, elevator kiss etc)and harold Robbins( bedroom scenes). but hey...you mUST back it with mundane language and a repetitive story

3) Do NOT have much of a plot.

4) Have weird words and phrases 'laters baby', 'I stutter', 'I murmer',' pants hanging from hips' etc, etc.

5) Have weird , unexplained concepts, 'You must eat, Anastasia! Why does he force her to eat? i couldn't fathom till the time I read the first bit of the novel, after which I started scanning.' My inner Goddess'!!!! ( hilarious)

6) Plan a trilogy. That's money tripled over.

7) You MUST have very good luck, so that after writing poor quality stuff, you may still catapult to the position of being the authorof the most read book in a short period .

8) Have a dumb female ( who has no idea that she is good looking) and and ultra rich , uktra good looking guy with a troubled past. You MUST let the protagonists use high quality branded gizmos, so that you get some product positioning as wel ( any maybe bucks from those companies)l.

9) You must create hype on the net first by writing an online book and using the fan base of an already famous book series to write your own story (story??)

10) You MUST be low on intellect.

There!I think I have gathered the most pertinent points about the book! Now you can also attempt to become rich and famous. Best of Luck!

Added Vice!

I hadn't updated this blog in a long time as I had nothing to write about. In short I wasn't feeling very spiteful about anything in life. If you ever wasted time going through the long posts in this blog, you would have noticed that most of the posts were spiteful. Just as I thought that I would start writing other spontaneous thoughts on this blog, boom! Out comes this post..

This post is about advice.Giving advice rather!

Definition: Advice is a piece of unnecessary information that you give to another who is either switching off on you, or laughing and sneering at you from inside, while maintaining a straight face in your front. In short giving advice is about telling people that you are foolish and low on IQ and EQ both.

Types of Advisors:

1) Unsolicited Advisors: Advice that is given without being asked for. People who give such advice are usually people who think as highly of themselves as others think poorly of them . Greet them and you will get a piece of advice. Sneeze and you will get a piece of advice. Run away from them and you will still get a piece of advice...from them!

2) Seniors Advisors: These are people who are older to you and think that they know better just because they are older. They tell you what to do and what not to and expect you to listen to them with rapt attention. Only thing they do not realise is the fact that the other person is wondering how on earth someone could still be so dumb after having walked so many years on this earth!

3) Marriage Advisors: These people lurk around single people and tell them that they are sinners because they haven't got married yet. How can life go on if one is single? It's another matter that their own marriages are not working out or unhappy!

4) Life Advisors: These people give you advice on anything and everything. Want to buy a car? They are there! Problem with boss? They are there! Investment issues? Them! Buying vegetables? Them! These people are smug and happy in their own world.They talk so much that they don't hear the other person talking to someone else as they are busy giving advice !

How to avoid advisors: look at them and switch off! that's the only solution to escape from them .They are usually people with low IQ and high 'ME' factor. So they would not even notice! Good Luck!

Consistency

Commencement is easier than contuity!

Hot Looks

To look hot, you gotta be cool!

Security

At the root of all security is insecurity.

Quality

You would have been excellent if you didn't want to be average!

Grey

Grey is the convenient choice between black and white.

The 3 C's of ART

Between Creativity and Captivity lies the Commission!

N'art'cissism

N'art'cissism is when you like your own artwork so much that you want to buy it yourself!!

Excitement!!!!!!

Excitement is when you have lived only 6 years of your life and know that there is so much to discover, learn, paint and sing about !Life... I live thee in my own terms,... I flirt with you, I dare you and I sulk with you but I love you for the taste of freedom !

Mindless

Talkers talk what thinkers think.

Modern Talking

Simple living and high thinking is the highlight of modern talking

Living Death

We all live to die but we still die to live!

Sperma-dad

Drops of sperms do not a father make!

Continuum

Between the worst and the best lies the normal.

Fool's paradise

A paradise is always a fool's premise.

Reality Bites

When reality kills, creativity spills.

The Crown

A king is the result of coronation whereas a leader is the result of recognition.

Glassy

A glass house will always be just that...

Yap yap!

Those who are busy yapping will never know how to bark!

Easy busy

You'll never be easy if you're busy being busy

The Gaol

Life can be one big gaol without one big goal. 

Dogged

Every God has had to dog it out at one point and every dog looks forward to being God someday.

Face Mask

A beautiful face may be a natural mask.

Woe- Man's Day

Hey you men..out there! Don't cry, do not weep, do not feel left out just because it's woman's day! I know you poor species have no special day. But can't you see that it's because you are already there! You are not down-trodden. You are already arrived!!!:).  Pity those poor women. They were in the backyard and always pushed to the background.They were unnoticed. They were insecure. They felt left-out. So they had to market themselves. They had to position themselves. They had to yell to the world..Hey PLEASE NOW..WE are also there.Come one come all... take notice. They decided to take advantage of this thing called International Woman's day. I seriously do not know what the main purpose of this day was when it was conceived, but from the media and events, this is what I understand now:

1) Woman's Day is to showcase how more beautiful the celebrity women are. Celebrity women means wives of Industrialists who have to spend their time and who do it to spend the money their husbands earn.

2) It means that women think they are secondary and behind men so they have to organise something special and invite actresses and models to host shows.These people tell them that women are beautiful, they are  strong. So after all this, the women start believing that they are strong.

3) It means marketing something as natural a process as motherhood and as biological as breast feeding  and making a big thing out of it, as if it is a feat .

4) It means money honey.. Money for the organisers, media, card - makers, speakers and caterers!

5) It means again that women are originally weak and they have to shout, holler and scream to say' I am there. I am strong. Since I was ignored I had this special day.' well, women are special, in short.

6) It means that the most over-used phrase of the last century has been 'Woman of Substance'. Poor Barbara Tailor Bradford didn't know her book title would have become so mundane:(.

7) It means sending text messages and clogging your phone with stupid strong woman messages.

8) It means having legitimate women parties !!( Come on you men naturally do stag parties..don't have to scheme for this at least).

9) It means showcasing 20 per cent of the rich women and hiding facts about 80 per cent of the real woman at least in India.

10) It means Attention, darling! Women love attention and this is legalised, organised scheming to achieve mass attention!

So men..feel good. You are just the envied lot. The benchmarks! Women are trying to be like you. Do not cry. Swell in pride instead! 

Good or Bad?

You don't know you are good, until you meet the bad and the ugly.

Continuum

Between the worst and the best lies the normal.

House

Every House has a facade before it and a home inside it.

Talent

Talent is like a balloon, the harder you press on one side, the more it blows out on the other!

Talent

It's only time that makes latent talent blatant.

Survival

Survival is when you've lived your life in darkness and know there is nothing but darkness ahead, but still hope to see a light at the distance and want to live for that...:.)

Some One liners

1. Files on the desktop are mostly temporary but those on my documents are always preserved.
2. There are 2 categories of people ones who are talked about and ones who talk about the ones who are talked about.
3. Don’t hate just because you couldn’t love.
4. Combine passion and vocation and you have an elevation!
5. Oil may be more expensive than water but at the end of the day its weight that matters.
6. As you shunt, so shall you be shunned!

'Faffbook'

Some new trends that fb has brought in:
1) Telling everyone everything about everything you have done, every freaking time.

2) Telling everyone which place, restaurant or mall you are in, whether they are interested or not.

3) Uploading every photograph that you have specially clicked with an 'fb' motive, sometimes re-doing the  pose, if the actual moment is over. (e.g. a birthday kiss, a birthday cake smear, a birthday cake eating pose.)

4) Notifying a namesake by mistake, instead of the original person, as there are so many by the same name and you have so little time and you are in such a hurry to inform the world about what you are upto, that you do not realise that you have marked the wrong person with the same first name. But hell...it doesn't matter. The other person can also know of your achievement.

5) Throwing parties with the sole intent of clicking photos to upload later , showcasing how happening you are.

6) Bumping into people and obstructions as you are checking your notifications on your phone and not really caring much because the people or your nose (or whichever part of your body has bumped into something) is less important than the responses you are getting on fb.

7) Husbands wishing 'Happy Birthday' to wives on fb and later on forgetting the less important part of wishing in person. What better way of PDA? Of course the wife is too busy responding to notifications on fb and also to those saying how lucky she is to have a husband who wishes her on fb, to really notice!

8) Three family members having some quiet family time at home, as each one is busy responding to and uploading stuff on fb!

9) Artists, painters, photographers and writers getting less tolerant to critique as they are only used to statements like 'wow', 'fabulous', lovely, 'superb 'work', 'very well done'. Superb write up! Anyone who gives critique or development feedback is immediately written off.

10) Finally next- door neighbours excitedly running in and asking you to 'like' her/his post on fb!

The smile of death

The smile which dies before it hits the eyes is a smile which hides a few lies.